Are You Safe To Talk To?
By: Bill Wettstein, President
Think about the people in your life you trust the most. The ones you go to when you need honest feedback or when you just need to talk something through. What makes them safe? I doubt it is their title or their expertise. It is something simpler and far more rare: you know they will not blow up, shut down, or make you feel small for approaching them.
The Blueprint Was Written Long Ago
In I Corinthians chapter thirteen. The Apostle Paul, described what love looks like in action:
“Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; rejoiceth not in iniquity, but rejoiceth in the truth; beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.”
1 Corinthians 13:4–7, KJV i
Three Books, One Idea
In Crucial Conversationsii, the authors write that people will not share what they really think unless they feel safe. For many of us, when we sense defensiveness, we go silent, or argumentative, which the authors call violence. And silence does not mean agreement. It means disengagement.
Jim Murphy communicates in Inner Excellenceiii that true excellence starts on the inside. It is not about controlling our circumstances but mastering our inner world—our thoughts, our reactions, our emotional responses. The greatest performers have learned to let go of what they cannot control.
Brant Hansen advocates in Unoffendableiv that we are not entitled to our anger. Choosing to hold onto offense, to nurse that irritation, to replay that conversation over and over, does not serve us and does not reflect the heart of Jesus. Righteous anger belongs to God. Our job is to love.
A Lesson I Keep Learning
I wish I could say I have mastered this. A few years ago, a coworker told me they struggled with my volatility. It was true, I was and still am more volatile than I want to be. There have been too many times in conversations where my emotions would flare up and I would verbally attack
with harsh words and strong statements. Recently, I was with family and shared about a project at home that did not go well. They offered advice. Probably helpful advice. But the way I received it—the tone I perceived, the timing—it hit me wrong. I felt irritated, offended, and if I am honest, embarrassed. The conversation did not end well.
After the conversation, I was reminded of something I keep trying to learn: I am 100% percent responsible for what I say, what I think, and what I do, regardless of how I am treated by others.
The Challenge
What would it look like if each of us ALWAYS focused on making it safe to be with? Not passive or weak, but so grounded in who we are and Whose we are that others know they can come to us with anything. Unoffendable—we do not take everything personally. Unirritatable—we do not let the small stuff steal our peace. Unembarrassable—we are secure enough to admit when we are wrong.
Jesus was approachable. Tax collectors, sinners, outcasts, children—they all felt safe coming to Him. Betrayed by a close friend, He did not retaliate. Mocked and unjustly condemned, He did not lash out. He was, in every sense, not easily provoked. He thought no evil. He bore all things.
May each of us show forth the love, grace, and truth of Jesus as we go through this world. May we be, as He was, and still is, safe to have as a friend.
