by Jeremy Stickling, CAO
Isn’t it great to have the answer?
To be the first one to assess a situation with speed and accuracy?
And then to dictate a clear and concise conclusion. Followed by a mic drop, of course.
An old proverb states: “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.” Hmmm. That is cause for pause. Folly and shame sound like heavy stuff.
If you can’t tell, this topic hits my mind because, well, I’m not very good at it personally.
If you are like me, you’ve gotten out over your skis and ended with a face plant.
Let me illustrate:
Earlier (much, MUCH earlier) in my marriage – to an incredible lady named Janae – I found a jar with a small but significant amount of cash hidden away in a cupboard. I quickly and deftly assessed the situation.
With stark clarity, I judged that she was stashing away cash to buy more sham pillows and throw blankets. With depth of wisdom, I further determined that the jar of cash existed so that she could hide her nefarious décor purchases from me.
At this point, I used my superior moral understanding (I really hope you are detecting my sarcasm by now).
In a marriage, we share and share alike. What’s mine is yours and vice versa. Everyone knows that!
Having a firm grasp on the whole story, I confronted my lovely wife, emboldened by my own obvious “rightness,” and I delivered my message.
Well done, Jeremy.
Or maybe not?
After patiently enduring my rant, Janae shared her perspective and intentions.
Imagine that! There was more to it than my own conclusion!
As it turns out, she had set aside cash over time from things like birthday money from her parents or selling an unused item from our home on eBay. She planned to use the cash to surprise me with a birthday gift (without me seeing the purchase). She wanted to feel like she was giving me a gift from her own independent means.
Wow. So uh, yeah, I guess I had that wrong. Folly and shame realized. Ugh.
The good news is, she chose to forgive me (and yes, I did some crow-eating and sincere apologizing).
Let’s contrast this example with the proper way to behave. I think it is best summed up by Stephen Covey and one of his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People – Seek First To Understand. Then (and only then) To Be Understood.
In other words, our initial action should be to sincerely ask why and gather the other person’s perspective. The more emotionally charged we are, the more important this becomes!
Society doesn’t teach us this. Social media certainly doesn’t teach us this. Hollywood most definitely doesn’t teach us this. Rather, we often are advised to seek truth within ourselves (as if we have the right answer). And to aggressively attack and shame someone else’s behavior.
Why? Because outrage and hate work?
Go with the approach that is tried and true. Seek First to Understand. React with love and patience. Remember your own bad days and the last time you needed grace. And respond in kind.
And by the way, I get some really cool birthday presents from my wife!
